I write this on the return trip to the National Coalition for Men (NCFM) 40th Anniversary Conference in San Diego, California. Despite all the fear, all the travel arrangements, all the reasons why I went in the first place, it turned out to be one of the most healing events I ever experienced. I sat in a crowded room with men and women alike who not only cared about men’s rights but they also care about women. This group will put the human back into human rights because those rights are not a meme, not a buzz word, and most certainly not an empty post on social media. These are people’s lives to include moms, dads, wives, husbands, sons, daughters, sisters, brothers, etc. These rights are attached to individuals each with their own story, life, and emotions. This was not an easy subject for us to address because frankly it feels like most just don’t give a damn. Oh well, you lost your children to a bad divorce. Oh well, you were raped (you just didn’t like it), oh well, you witnessed your brother or sister die in war, oh well, you lost someone you love to suicide. This conference brought up a lot of issues for both my husband and I but all in a good way because finally we were validated as a man and a woman both struggling to be honest in a world built on lies, smoke and mirrors, and lunatics.
First of all, Cassie Jaye, the producer of The Red Pill was at this event. We scrimped and saved to see her, hug her, and get a picture taken with her because she stands for us! Finally, someone who once referred to herself as a feminist admitted that after doing the research, she was wrong. She went in thinking one thing but came out completely turned around after she stopped listening to the echo chambers and did the investigation herself. Her documentary is powerful and very much reflects my own journey, one that started out as a staunch women’s advocate (and some might still think I still am because I give a damn, I really do) and morphed into someone who cares about all of us, every single last one of you. I definitely believe there was a gender component to my experience in a combat support role in the military during my stint from 1996 to 2010. I believe that I was targeted because I was the only female and considered the weakest link and because I reported the crimes, they were adjudicated in my favor, yet I was still treated like a liar. I didn’t understand any of this while I was going through it. I didn’t have enough life experience to know that men AND WOMEN lie including some women in my own life.
I don’t ever want to disrespect anyone that I love on-line. We all make mistakes and we live and learn. But if I had it to do over again and knew as a child what was going on, I would have stopped it. But I didn’t. I was just a naive, innocent kid who believed someone when they tried to convince me my father was anything but kind and loving. My father fell into an abyss of substance abuse and depression and now I know why. He was deprived of the time he wanted so badly with two children who were now the product of divorce. One child was 2 1/2 and one child was 6 months old when they split. The odds were against him even back then. And although he probably would have been the more fit parent (pretend this scenario does not include step parents), he had no chance at custody. But goddamn it, he better get that child support check in the mail or else. He was nothing but an ATM. BUT not to me. He was a parent I thought didn’t want me. He was a parent I wanted in my life. He was a victim of bias and only one side of the story. He was a victim of the state, the child support system, and now of emotional abuse and neglect. Do you think a child understands any of this? Nope. I just wanted my dad in my life but by the time I realized what had happened, it was too late.
Imagine this scenario if you will. After waking up and realizing I was on my own in the US military, I reached back out to my dad (the only one I felt I could trust) who was sitting there waiting with open arms. He helped me through the entire reporting experience and supported me along the way. We would later (after the case was adjudicated for those who want to try and say I “made up my story”) become addicted to Law and Order: Special Victims Unit while we waited for him to die. I would also experience retaliation on the job after reporting the crimes and the cases were adjudicated. No matter how hard I tried to leave the events of the past in the past, they kept bringing it back up. No matter how much I tried to stay positive, work hard, and be good to others on the job, they would make my life a living hell. It didn’t matter anymore. I reported a crime at one base and it would follow me from base to base. I honestly didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I just wanted to go see a counselor to help me make things right for a man I wanted to marry but ran away from because I was scared he wouldn’t like who I had become. A man I met shortly before my father died and wasn’t offended when I told him “I can’t talk to you right now, I am enjoying some one on one time with my dying father”.
I found out my dad had throat cancer shortly after the cases were adjudicated. Yet despite his life or death situation, he continued to be my healer. While he was getting radiation treatment, I was getting my ass kicked at a local bar from one of the attacker’s friends. While he was resting at home, I was fending off vultures who strongly believed I must have lied, exaggerated, or done something to ask for all this. Well, here’s the skinny. I was a small town kid who grew up in an idyllic setting and was showered with love and beauty all around me. I trusted people because I had never seen the dark side of humanity. Whatever my woes were as a kid paled in comparison to what happened in the military as a young twenty-something. It would’t be until I lost my dad that I realized I didn’t know what I didn’t have back then. I had THREE parents who loved me, protected me, and cared for me. Unfortunately because of the relationship between my biological parents, I would be caught in the middle. Looking back, I see how hard my dad tried and I see when that turning point was. As he turned inward and I turned outward, our worlds would separate to no fault of our own. I had friends, lots of friends, that I loved with all my heart. He had pain and resentment that would eat away at his soul.
I am sick and tired of society minimizing what both men and women are experiencing in these times. All rape victims are liars and all dads are deadbeats seems to be the prevailing theme, thanks to…you guessed it, feminism. Today’s feminists have taken this whole thing to a place where men and boys are literally stomped on and have been for years. Now I understand why others may have thought I was a liar, because so many came before me. I just stepped into a role that they prescribed as you joined the military: “you must be a feminist and it’s only a matter of time before she reports one of us.” What a perfect system to ensure that criminals can keep on raping and women can keep on killing themselves because that’s where this took me. BUT it’s one thing to f*ck with me and another whole deal when you try and stand between me and my dad who had six months to live. I choose him and only a sociopath would see it otherwise. I asked my squadron for time off from Guard weekends so I could spend time with man who made it through the throat cancer only to learn he had bone cancer. Their cruel response: “Oh this could take forever.” And I quote. I had to jump the Chain of Command again.
By then we knew that my dad wanted to die. He made the decision to not get treatment and to enjoy whatever time he had left with me and his loving family who surrounded him in his time of need. He even offered to pay my bills so I could take more time off to be with him. I didn’t just want Guard weekends off, I wanted to not work so I could be with him. We share some of the most precious moments but there is nothing harder than sitting with man who is dying, getting closer and closer by the day, only to have his life end in a matter of months. There is nothing more traumatizing than this. If you a$$holes think the act of rape and sexual assault f*cked me up, you would be right about that. But when you add a physical and emotional beat down in the form of professional and not-so-professional retaliation, you now definitely got a case of PTSD. Not up to speed with the issues, try googling veterans, PTSD, and suicide and try not to curl up in a ball and die. Then add using retaliation to keep a kid away from their dying father. F*ck you! I didn’t care if you pursued AWOL charges. I didn’t care about any of your stupid bullshit. Is this your leadership US military? Oh that’s right, they waived the professional leadership courses required by most.
So one day, I am making up a Guard drill during the week (after making arrangements with my full-time civilian employers to take a vacation day) and I am called aside from my supervisor who informs me that I am late. I apparently showed up at 7 a.m. instead of 6 a.m. and nobody was going to be around to supervise me. Again, I was getting in trouble after the case was adjudicated. I asked them to show me in writing where it states that I had to be there at 6 a.m. and I would comply. Of course, they couldn’t show me where this johnny-on-the-spot policy was and they couldn’t erase my knowledge of how others have made up Guard drills it in the past…until it was me the liar who would pay for “ruining” a good man’s career. After all, these were men they had served with for years. And I was just the lying feminist who joined the military to make a point. No actually I didn’t. I had no idea what feminism was while serving nor did I GAF! I wanted help getting my student loans paid off, experience on the job, and help with my master’s degree. I honestly thought that there was equality based on the lies I saw on TV, learned in school, etc. I thought I was joining a military comprised of men and women. When the reality was I was the only female in my shop for my entire career (minus one stupid chic who A. made us all look bad and B. didn’t last long. Bye.)
While my first squadron was hunting for the ghost policy, I was on the phone with my next squadron looking for a new job. I didn’t ask for permission to leave; I went in the new Commander’s office and said YOU WILL SIGN THIS. I was not going to let their sociopathic ways destroy my stellar career, an obligation that I would eventually come to love because of the amazing people I worked with and the ability to see things big picture. My problems were not with my peers; my problems were with leadership and the corrupt enlisted Chain of Command. Mind you, I transferred because I was at a breaking point and inadvertently signed on for six more years to escape my current f*cked up situation. I told my new Commander, my dad is dying and I need your support. If you want me, you have to understand that I need this time with my dying father. I didn’t have much time. My new Commander supported me. He had lost his dad to cancer and was all too familiar with just how painful it is. God placed this man in my life for a reason. Oh wow feminists, there are some good men. All of you just need to STFU and do some friggen research. I can’t even believe how angry I am. This post is purely driven my anger, anger that never relented during my entire military career but it’s time to LET IT GO.
So fast forward a few months later and boom, enter 9/11. Umm yea, my father and I had just got back from an overnight stay at the hospital where we learned he was not doing well. We returned home to the attacks of 9/11. I knew that was it for me. My squadron did their accountability roll calls and basically inferred that unless you are dead or in the hospital, you better get your ass to the squadron. I left Friday night for my four hour drive to Cape Cod. That’s right, instead of 1.5 hours, it was now 4! The next day, I get a call while on my way to lunch requesting that I return to the squadron where I would learn my father is dead. My commander and the chaplain delivered the dreadful news in the privacy of my office. I lost it. I could not even think straight. I just kept saying “I wish I could have said goodbye” because my dad was asleep when I left. I left him a note and left knowing that I would be driving upwards of 80 m.p.h. on Route 95 to get back to him Sunday night. Instead I would be driven back to Maine on Saturday while someone followed behind in my car. Life would never be the same. Never. I had no reason to live anymore. I felt like everyone had betrayed me except my father who was now gone. Why not just die like he did and then it will be all over.
For you a$$holes sitting on the sidelines minimizing others while the Department of Veterans Affairs admits getting raped is pretty traumatic, why don’t you stop to think about the other trauma an individual has been trough in their lives before you automatically assume all of us had drunk sex and regretted it the next morning. YOU have no idea what it’s like to be violated in such a cunning and/or vicious way by someone you were supposed to trust and who know a woman in the military is automatically set up to fail thanks to these idiotic feminists who play f*ck-f*ck with our lives. Think about it. These are mostly civilian women who are placated by Congress who caves to this whole ideal that women are oppressed by oppressing us even worse in a job we can’t escape from unless we get killed, report, or kill ourselves. Welcome to the US military b*tches! That’s the reality, not your stupid bullshit. Feminists: “We want equal rights!” Women in the military: “STFU because men already hated and didn’t trust us and YOU are making it worse!” By the way, it’s not them who will be forced to deploy in the new women in combat roles praying they don’t die by enemy hand or an invisible enemy disguised as your Senior NCO of the Year. Oh wow, I wonder why women in the military have PTSD. The first is bad enough but then add a violent crime in that setting… You guys are a$$holes. You spout out the statistics but never ask the question WHY?
Now, back to the original reason for this post. Yes, I am all kinds of messed up and don’t trust to be alone with a man I don’t know. I could sit here and live in fear after what has happened in my life but how is that any different than when a man says or thinks: you must be lying, you are a woman or all women are the same. So it’s unhealthy for me to see men through the lens of “YOU are a potential rapist” and it’s unhealthy for men to become bitter, divorced, resentful guy and not trust women because of what happened in the past. This is a two-way street where we have to meet in the middle. Pointing fingers and passing judgement is only hurting us. I get so frustrated because so many want things to change yet the feminist mantra keeps getting in the way and causing even more division. How can it not? We are trying to save lives and they are over there complaining about breastfeeding times. I mean come on. I will not allow this rhetoric to continue while men in the military are dying by their own hand in record amounts and female veterans are more than twice as likely to commit suicide. I wonder why. People think we suck if we even mention MST because of unvetted, stupid idiots who bash the very VA we depend on for our lives. Get the f*ck out of here with this horse crap! First we gotta be ashamed because we deserved it and now we gotta be ashamed because we didn’t handle it well. Guess what it took a whole lot more than that to f*ck me up and it was all at the hands of the Chain of Command. What they did to me, they do to men too. They don’t discriminate. It’s unfortunate men don’t have an Equal Employment Opportunity (EEO) office to turn to. It could save their life.
My father was harmed by these lop sided, not well thought out policies that became law, my husband was harmed both as an active duty soldier and a veteran by the Violence Against Women’s Act, and now I am hurting watching him go through what my father went through all over again. Get your crap together and realize that just because someone is a man or woman doesn’t make them superior. We are people. These are kids you are talking about. The law would rather have the mother raise the child and poison them with lies and isolate them while they use and abuse them, instead of the father who had the money and the ethics to better raise them. Why is it that a judge gets to decide that my mother or father is better for me without looking at all the facts? Thanks to feminists, the family courts and the laws put in place to protect women are instead used as a club to beat both down. I literally watched it all play out real time. First, bam, you lose custody because you are active duty. Second, bam, you try to get shared custody, next thing ya know, the local cops are arresting you for unfounded domestic violence against your new wife (like it was straight out of the Patriarchy 101 playbook). Third, that didn’t split them up and make him kill himself so I guess I will turn the kids against him and his new selfish bitch wife. F*ck off! We are the good people and I will find a way for stupid Commanders to differentiate between genuine victims and liars. It will be my life’s work. I had a beautiful husband standing beside me along this fight for justice for all. He finally came out of his shell and told me the truth about what he experienced while serving. Believe all women is a farce and at this point is putting all of us in more danger. Don’t believe me? Then go get caught up on http://www.militaryjusticeforall.com and take a stand.