So I noticed now that I am trying to take good care of myself that even the smallest of things is a difficult task to manage when you have PTSD. I sit here wondering how this could have happened and why it happened to me. I wish every day that I didn’t have PTSD and could resume with my regularly scheduled life.
I feel like a little kid again figuring out how to shop, how to cook, how to make sure I get all the right nutrients. And that is just one very small aspect of it. I have observed that I am finding new ways to cope with something that used to come so easy. And one of the hardest things to overcome was not feeling pinned to my couch.
I didn’t want to be sitting on my couch but my head was so overwhelmed and my anxiety was so high that I had all I could do to even function. It’s because of this paralyzing symptom that you get health problems. The depression and just pure shock keep you down. The medications are hit or miss. Some may help you, others may not. It’s a crap shoot of trial and error.
I really got motivated to take care of myself when I learned that my health had been impacted. I was at risk of heart disease and diabetes if I didn’t make some changes. Not only was the PTSD impacting my daily functioning but it is now putting my life at risk. People say you need to change your lifestyle. It isn’t that easy. It took all I could do to work through feelings of overwhelmingness to change just one thing.
When I finally could pull myself off the couch, it was like walking around in the dark, not really sure where to go and what I was going to hit. I felt like a Zombie. But I found that once I started taking steps, the journey got a little easier. I just kept taking one step at a time. It was hard to accept that after being a Type A personality in the US Military that I could be relegated to this level of affliction.
PTSD is a crippling condition, one that no one should make light of. I would much rather not have PTSD then to sit here and deal with this daily. Some days I can’t deal at all. I am so thankful for those good days that come my way. But frustrated at the same time that once you overcome one symptom, that others start replacing them.
Education and awareness of the issue is key to understanding that what you are coping with is a normal reaction to a traumatic event or events. I too struggle with suicidal ideation because some days are so overwhelming that I would rather die then have to work through or struggle through that particular day. It gets so tiring. And I want the old me back!
I don’t think there is enough information out there on PTSD, especially military sexual trauma. If I share my struggles and it helps just one person from feeling like they are going crazy, it is worth it to me to open up. I want more then anything to prevent veterans from committing suicide. I think it would help if they knew that they were not the only ones struggling with this beast, we call PTSD.